Everyone knows I’m an Apple fan through and through. I worship the fruit. My iPhone is my own personal Jesus. Apple is heaven. And Steve Jobs is as close to God as we’re ever going to get.
Of course, today marked the day when the world sat in anticipation with baited breath, waiting for the world’s worst kept secret to be officially announced by Apple.
I was initially skeptical over the iPad, which seemed like nothing more then an overweight iPod Touch. But it’s actually starting to grow on me now that I’ve dug a bit deeper into the www in search of more information. It has some pretty funky new features, and applications designed specifically for it such as iBooks and iWork, and at a mere 1.5 lbs, it’s lighter then any netbook out there, (but not small enough to fit in your pocket!).
Ok. So it’s no surprise that I lurve my iPhone, my own personal Jesus….but there’s one itsy bitsy tiny request I have for improvement on this latest 3.0 release, (which is fantastic by the way), and I’m gonna send this to God…er…Apple for further consideration, dammit!
It’s to do with the revamped text messaging feature. For those of us that are avid texters and owned our iPhones prior to the 3.0 release, we have probably all recognized the differences between the old text messaging program, and of course, the new.
Besides the obvious (MMS, landscape keyboard, etc), there are a few that haven’t gained the publicity as their counterparts. For example, now when you send a text message, the actual message itself slides from the typing window INTO the main section of the conversation itself during the actual send process. Prior to 3.0, it would remain in the typing window until the send process was complete – and then it would slide into the conversation area.
Ok. So…just about everyone who exists in my universe knows of my iPhone meets toilet bowl fiasco yesterday. And all those who know me and my personal relationship with my phone can attest to the fact that this was, by all accounts, the equivalent of a global disaster for me. Not only was I lost and disoriented, but those insignificant things you take for granted – like checking the time – were completely out of my reach. I didn’t even know what f@cking time it was, until I heard myself saying, “oh shit….its THAT late? Wow. I really need to get home now….”
I carried that big bag of uncooked Uncle Ben’s rice, complete with precious comatose iPhone packed tightly inside, around with me all night. I wasn’t about to leave its side…not at this crucial time. When I got home last night, I put that bag of uncooked rice, complete with iPhone packed tightly inside, on top of my Rogers TV converter box and left it on all night. When my alarm went off this morning, I jumped out of bed, bolted across my bedroom and checked my phone. Nothing. I plugged it in. Nothing. I begged and pleaded and shook my fists up at the skies and screamed “DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU!!!”
I have no clue how I do some of the stupid things that I do….but I do do them, and that’s a given. Call me clumsy, call me an idiot….but somehow I managed to launch (and I do mean, launch…as in 3 feet up in the air and 3 feet back down) my iPhone….my own personal f*cking jesus….straight into the toilet at work today. No bounce. No deflection. No rim shot. Nothing. STRAIGHT IN. I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I was doing. Except that when I was exiting the stall, the door did something funky as I was making my way out, and as I tried to push it back, my religion left me and made for satan’s pit. And NO. I don’t normally take my phone with me to the can here…. but I was on my way down for a smoke afterward…so I had it.
You know that sound a cat makes when you step on it? That was what came out of me, followed by the quickest toilet dive you will ever see on this side of…um…the US border…and I had it pulled out in under 3 seconds. I made that scene from Trainspotting look amateur. Hell. Toilet diving to save your iPhone should be an Olympic sport. I’d fucking win it, hands down. My reflexes even made Pablo’s from Tuesday night look like they belonged to a 3 month old baby. Man I’m quick when I want to be. Or in this case, need to be.
After I managed to get my heart going again, I immediately began to perform CPR on my baby. *pump pump pump….BLOW….pump pump pump….BLOW….pump pump pump…BLOW*
Turns out that heave-ho middle finger of mine that I was going on about in my last post got sawed off somewhere along the line.
I broke down. I caved. I weakened like a cheap piece of paper towel wet under the weight of a watermelon. I couldn’t hold off any longer. I was salivating.
So in other words….I bought the iPhone today….and yes, I’m wrought with guilt. I feel as though I’m cheating on my own morals with something I can’t keep my hands off of.
But damn, this thing is sexy.
Fak…and Fak u Rogers.
I’ve been a customer of these pirate hookers for 10 years as far as my cellphone plan goes…and for as long as I can remember, I’ve also been subscribing to their hi-speed Internet and HDTV plans.
Thankfully, my cellphone cuffs break off in less then 6 months….at which time I will toss all my services with Rogers into the trash, give them the big heave-ho middle finger, and wipe my ass clean of these conglomerate bastards, (sorry, but this just infuriates me).
Global TV aired a segment explaining the absolute truth behind the much-anticipated iPhone and the proposed Rogers iPhone 3G plans.